08 Sep, 2011
The quest to make photos, not take photos
Posted by andrea tomkins in: Publishing/writing/career stuff
Warning! This is a long and rambly and deeply introspective post. It’s all over the place and will touch upon several different largish topics.
Subtitle: Let’s Remember That Blogging Is Therapy
Sometimes, when I’m talking about blogging, one of the things people ask me about is how I know what to write about. Where do the ideas come from? Ha ha. It’s easy. I have a lot to say.
Mark and I have differing opinions about blog-worthy content. He doesn’t think that readers really care about our kid’s haircuts or the first day of school or other scrapbooky family stories. He thinks that you all [insert a wiiiide sweeping gesture with my right arm] come here to get handy information about Ottawa-centric activities. I don’t know. Maybe some of you do come here for that. Sometimes the Fishbowl is more like a family scrapbook and less like a public resource, but I’m ok with that. I like that. That’s how I started out, so it’s obviously something I’m comfortable with. I don’t know if he’s right or wrong, and I can only gauge interest levels based on things like comments. But gauging interest based upon the number of comments can be a tricky thing. It’s not exactly a clear indicator of who is reading and why they come back.
Comments are currency in the blogging world. Every blogger deeply appreciates comments, because only through comments (and emails!) can we determine our place in your minds and hearts.
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I spent a good chunk of yesterday trying to come up with 200-odd words to sum up my career, which was only slightly more fun than doing the laundry. I had to submit a bio for a conference I’m speaking at and was under the gun AND sleep deprived. There are a couple of reasons I find bio-writing rather challenging:
- a) I hate to sound braggy. Look at me! Award winning blogger! Yahoo. And a bio – especially one that is going to end up on a web page for all to view – is supposed to have self-promotional stylings. So how do you promote yourself without sounding like you’re full of yourself? This is the question.
- b) It’s hard to be concise when you’ve got your fingers in so many different pies. I wear lots of hats and do lots of different things.
Clearly, it’s time to focus.
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This is not a very good segway into the main gist of this post, but I decided to quietly bow out of the family portrait photography biz. I’m not throwing my camera away but I took down my Ottawa Family Photography site and won’t be promoting it for the time being.
I’m a very visual person and taking photographs taps into a deep love and appreciation for visual arts. But but but, my portrait assignments were taking too much out of me. They were taking up too many resources and eating into what little spare time I have to spend with my family. And I have only so much to give.
Unfortunately, in my head, I consider creativity to be a finite resource. I know it can be replenished, it’s not a well that can run dry, but there is only so much water to go around. And some of my plants were starting to wither. What’s worse: my kids were starting to wonder why I wasn’t home more often. Trotting out to photo shoots on Saturday and Sundays was really eating into my time with my family.
I had a lot of email requests for portrait photography services this year. And I really hate to admit this, but I didn’t even answer most of them. I didn’t know where I was, or where I was going. And if I didn’t know, how could I accept their requests? (If you were one of those people I apologize.) I also couldn’t help but feel like a bit of a pretender, just another momblogger with a fancy camera. I wasn’t sure whether I deserved this happy job. But whatever.
My last photo shoot was in July. It was a repeat customer, a really sweet couple who I once photographed with their dog. They were expecting their first child this time and wanted some photos to commemorate it. How could I say no?
The shoot went really well. I marveled, as I always do, at the thought that these two people entrusted me with this moment, and what an important thing that was. But as much as I enjoyed myself, it was not enough to sustain me creatively. It took me a couple weeks to process all the photos, and when I burned the CD and sent it on its way I felt sad and relieved at the same time.
I love all the people I meet this way. To be able to peek into their lives and create a photo of a moment in time is a wonderful thing that I treasure so much. How could I give this up?
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Earlier this summer I had the good fortune to be able to cross something off my bucket list. A photo of mine was chosen to appear in an photography exhibition showcasing the non-tulipy grittier side of Ottawa. It was printed, enlarged, framed and publicly displayed at a very cool little gallery on Bank Street called the Fall Down Gallery. My heart felt so big.
I will keep taking photos. That won’t change. I can’t imagine a life without photography in it, but it will be on my own terms. I want to make more photos, not take more photos.
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So, yeah. I have now realized I needed to find focus. Yesterday’s bio writing really hit it home. How can I be a really good portrait photographer, freelance writer, FT blogger, and a mom? Sidebar: whoever invented the term “life balance” deserves a swift kick in the pants. I have been feeling as scattered as the sunlight that passes through Sarah’s treasured bits of crystal that hang in our dining room window. The light comes in from one direction, and out the other side in pretty multiples, reflecting on the wall. It’s pretty, but is it sustainable? And is that original ray of light made weaker when it’s divided into so many parts? Something had to give.
Sometimes I worry that my lack of focus has affected the content of the blog. Sometimes I reflect back upon what I’ve written and I think, man, what is happening in my brain? One day it’s about social media, another day a recipe, another day a portrait, another day it’s about the dog. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad, or really, whether I should be concerned or not. Is this lack of focus hurting me in the long term? Or should I just continue to stay on the road I started on, the “this is my journal” road, the “take or leave it” road?
p.s. you don’t have to answer that. I’m totally talking to myself here. Hitting the Publish button in 1, 2, 3…typos and all.
