*Â all names have been changed to protect the innocent
A bright, intelligent, funny lady I know named Marge has a mild-to-middling obsession with Q-tips, otherwise known as cotton swabs.
Marge can’t function without swabbing her ears at least once after every bath and shower. In fact, she hates the feeling of a wet inner ear. When she goes camping with her family it’s practically the first thing she does when she gets home, and every year she wonders why she doesn’t buy a travel pack and just bring it with her. It would make life so much easier.
But I digress.
Marge loves Q-Tips. She loves them so much that her love has extended to swabbing other people’s ears, namely, her children’s. Their ears are ripe, wet, and waxy, perfect little receptacles for an after-bath swabbing. Contrary to every single parenting-related manual, Marge takes the Q-Tip (albeit gently) for a trip around inside the hole of the ear, not just the outer rims. The Lure of the Wax is just too strong. She feels a thrill of excitement when she scores some wax.
The excitement is infectious. The girls are interested – and equally repulsed – by what their mother retrieves from their ears. A large deposit? Jackpot!
All the while, Marge secretly knew she was doing something wrong. The experts all say that that this kind of swabbing only packs the wax. But Marge thought that since she was getting some, she must be doing something right. Right?
WRONG. SO SO SO WRONG.
Marge was shocked to learn that one of her children, Mary Ann, suddenly wasn’t hearing too well. The giveaway? Mary Ann said “what???” after every single question that was asked of her. Marge and Mary Ann trotted to see Kind Doctor, with the other daughter in tow as well. Mini May was just glad that it wasn’t HER that needed to be looked at. Mini May was highly relieved to be on board as an observer.
Kind Doctor looked into the Mary Ann’s ears and declared they were blocked with wax. Using a simple procedure (basically, a spray of warm water) he flushed it all out.
“It LOOKS LIKE CARDBOARD!” observed the ever-so-observant Mini May. Mary Ann grimaced and turned away. Marge held the bowl to her daughter’s ear, watching in amazement as the small pieces fell out. She realized Mini May was right. It does look like cardboard!
Kind Doctor recommended regular squirts of baby oil to keep it all loosey goosey in there. He also said Marge should stay away from using Q-Tips in the inner ear.
Marge wanted me to tell you all that the experts are right. And she was wrong. Don’t go in there searching for wax. The wax will come out when it’s good and ready.
The end.
