I woke up this morning with a pain in my neck and wisps of a bad dream in my thoughts. I dreamed that I was very very lonely. I felt it deep inside myself, like a rock rolling around in my gut. I saw myself standing at a wall overlooking a beautiful view. I am so alone, I said, to the person beside me. She/he (?) took my hand and held it tightly.
I am not alone. I know this, but I felt it so keenly in my dream. I’m not sure what to make of this.
I have lost my mojo today, and frankly, I’m finding it hard to put one foot in front of the other.
One of my peers passed away last week and I can’t stop thinking about it. She was only 48 – a wife and mother of two – but of course, so much more than that. I don’t know how she died but I do know there are a lot of people who are absolutely gutted by the loss and are in a great deal of pain right now.
Today I feel like I am treading water but not really going anywhere. Everything feels pretty pointless at the moment and I am questioning my priorities. Am I doing enough? What is enough? The rational side of me understands that we just can’t realistically live our lives as if we’re going to be dead tomorrow, but still, that feeling niggles at me. I am flooded by the injustice. To leave this world before the trees break into their cloaks of green; before the crab apples and tulips and peonies come into bloom; before Mother’s Day, surrounded by the people who love you most, who you love most… seems to be the biggest tragedy of all. Did she have a chance to say goodbye? The mere thought is haunting me.
Perhaps what we need to do, in order to honour those who have left us too early, is to live a little more fully, a little more mindfully, and with a little more love.
