I remember trying to explain the concept of promises when the girls were small. How did we put it? If you tell someone you’re definitely going to do something, or be somewhere, you’re committing to your words. This declaration is a promise, and we always keep our promises.
This is an area where the grownups must lead by example. We keep our promises. I think the concept of a promise is an important one to teach to kids. The promise is the cousin of commitment, trust, honesty, and responsibility. It’s critical kids learn it for themselves, because if they don’t know how to make and keep promises, what kind of adults are they going to become?
At some point we introduced the Pinky Promise. The Pinky Promise is utterly unbreakable. It is the big time of promises. We use the Pinky Promise with Emma. With Sarah, it’s a Thumb Promise because her thumb has extra special significance to her. No matter the digit, the meaning and the technique are the same for each. If someone demands a Pinky/Thumb Promise the two people have to “shake” on it with either a pinky or thumb. This action seals the promise and makes it stick. There is no backing out of it either.
The Pinky Promise is most often invoked in cases involving honesty. And quite often I’m the one who’s asked to hold out my pinky and clarify the veracity of my statement.
“WOW, Emma! I think that dog was driving the car!”
“Really?” she asks. I can tell by the look on her face that she’s not sure if she should believe me or not.
“YES!”
She holds out her pinky. “Pinky Promise?”
At this point I either evade the question by changing the topic or shift my eyes for dramatic effect. They know I’m fibbing because I won’t shake pinkies.
“You’re NOT TELLING THE TRUTH MUMMA!”
Don’t worry. It’s all done in good fun. I wouldn’t try to convince Emma that the dog was really driving.
We’ve always tried to stress the importance of honesty around here. We’ve tried to teach the girls that lying is one of the Very Worst Things You Can Do. But it’s tricky, because sometimes we have been know to tell little white lies to spare someone’s feelings. This is a whole other kettle of fish – when is it okay to lie? When isn’t it? We’ve told them time and time again never to lie to us, their parents. My worst fear is that they’ll be in a situation where another adult has told them – for very bad reasons – not to tell us about something that’s going on.
The truth is that kids are most tempted to lie in order to save themselves from getting into trouble.
In our house, lying to parents is the biggest no-no there is, and they know that. If someone disobeys a direct order and something bad happens, there’s trouble. If they lie about it, there is bigger trouble. So for example… let’s say the girls break something they’ve been specifically told not to play with. When I find out about it they will experience anything ranging from quiet disappointment to much louder manifestations of the same. If they’ve LIED about it, the disappointment is extreme. Only once has one of the girls broken a Pinky Promise. I won’t share details – privacy issues and all that – but it was a doozy. A big lesson was learned that day. No more Pinky Promises have been broken since. (That I know of anyway!)
