The topic, of um, passing wind, is rather delicate is some circles. Last night’s bean soup inspired me to give it some further thought.
This is one of those issues that require some discussion before two people decide to have children. Like co-sleeping, breastfeeding, cloth diapering, it deserves to be talked about. You need to know where your partner stands on the issue of these misdirected burps otherwise you might spend a lifetime arguing, pretending, or leaving the room. Since children are to be in the picture, some agreement is required upfront. Right?
I think people are divided on the issue and generally fall into two camps:
1) Tooters and enablers. If you’re a tooter you’re the type of person who is likely to laugh at herself. You might even be the type of person who tends to exclaim things like “whoa, that was a big one!” or “better go get my emissions checked” or “hey, how did that duck get in here?” You might even raise a cheek when you feel one knocking at the door.
If you’re an enabler you laugh at others and don’t think poorly of them when someone lets out a squiffer, big or small.
2) Secret tooters.
The jig is up! We all know everyone is a tooter, it’s just whether they embrace it or not.
I had to laugh when I read this (from here):
“On average, a person produces about half a liter of fart gas per day, distributed over an average of about fourteen daily farts. Whereas it may be difficult for you to determine your daily flatus volume, you can certainly keep track of your daily numerical fart count. You might try this as a science fair project: Keep a journal of everything you eat and a count of your farts. You might make a note of the potency of their odor as well. See if you can discover a relationship between what you eat, how much you fart, and how much they smell.”
Haha. Yeah. Right. Keep a journal and submit it as a class project! Your teacher will be thrilled!
The Secret Tooter lives in denial and finds the whole process rather revolting. Secret Tooters might show their distaste in any number of ways, including eyeball rolling, complaining loudly (“WHO THE HECK LET THAT ONE GO??”) or automatically reaching for the can of air freshener in their fanny packs.
So what if a Secret Tooter marries an Enabler? Is there any way to compromise on the issue? Does the Secret Tooter promise not to scold if the Enabler promises not to let one go in the movie theatre? Does the Secret Tooter buy special gas-absorbing chair pads as Christmas gifts for the Enablers in their lives? Are there fart-free zones in their homes?
I’d like to clear the air and state outright that in our immediate family we have a tendency to point and snicker when someone toots. (Note I have mostly shyed away from the word “fart” here because, well, I would just rather call it a toot and we’ve always done so in our family. If someone in our family is on a roll they are immediately dubbed with the special title of Tootenstein.)
When I was young we talked about “cutting the cheese,” and it was often yelled in schoolyard in an accusatory fashion, as in “HEY, who cut the cheese!” If you were the guilty party you had no choice but to return with a quick “you smelt it, you dealt it.” And you had to say it in a haughty know-it-all voice or everyone would know the truth.
I wonder, which side are you on, and how do you deal with the tooters in your lives? Anonymous comments are welcome. I don’t want to force anyone out of the closet over this one (stuffy as it might be in there).
Over to you.
