This is going to come out long and rambly, I just know it.
I’ve been dwelling on yesterday’s Hyper Parenting post and this has all been percolating in my brain a little too long. :)
I’ve been reading other posts and comments about the Hyper Parenting doc. I have two other comments to make about this topic:
1) We have to be confident about the choices we make as parents. Julie, for example (Hi Julie!) feels guilty embarrassed that her kids aren’t enrolled in any extra-curricular activities. Many of us feel guilty. And I understand why. Parents stand around and talk about this stuff. And there are three year-old golfers and violin players all around us.
The only extra-curricular activity we have insisted upon is swimming. If you’re human – you must learn how to swim. The girls have been enrolled in a variety of programs over the years (although never more than two at a time – and that includes swimming) like pottery, soccer, basketball, dance, and gymnastics. Sarah is in a jump rope club right now (it’s VERY COOL). Our dabbling has been about trying different things, not about giving them an edge up on their peers or building their resume. We never push them. The decision is always their own.
So when a schoolyard mom asks you what activities your son or daughter is doing, you can feel good about saying: “we’re just doing swimming lessons right now – there isn’t enough time to take on anything else! Ha ha!” And then walk away, knowing you are doing the right thing for you and your family.
Someone recently wrote to me about skating lessons. She felt pressure to enrol her kids in skating lessons. I’ll tell ya what, if you can stand up on skates and propel yourself in a forwards direction, all you need to do is take your family out skating. Flood your backyard, or take a trip up to your local rink on Saturday mornings for a few weeks. Really! You won’t believe how quickly kids learn how to skate. No lessons required.
2) As a parent, you have a choice about what kind of person you want to raise. (Well, ok, to a point. Genetics do play a part!) And with little kids it starts with play. I touched on this topic in this past post.)
I really can’t profess to be an expert in the area of your kids. I can only describe what worked for me and my own family.
Anyway, this goes back to a great little discussion over at Some kind of Wondermom.
I think that as parents, we need make sure our kids get time to play independently (that is, play without us, the parents) and time to play with us.
Like Vicky’s commenters, I found that the girls desperately needed to play with me some days, and not on others. I think it’s important to go with their lead on this. If they’re able to play alone, that’s fine. I believe the goal here (if you like to look at things that way) is independent play. Why? Because you want them to grow up to be self-confident, self-sufficient independent adults.
Your whole day cannot be spent playing with your kids. Your kids also need to see you cooking and cleaning, working, interacting with others, etc. There is value in this too. Your kids learn by seeing you do these things too.
Personally, I was never able to sit down with the girls to play Barbies. But I was able to sit and play a number of other things. I liked setting up the Playmobil (still do!), doing puzzles, playing tag and hide and seek, and doing arts and crafts. As I said to Vicky, I think the trick is to find something you love to do and do it together in an engaged and focused kind of way. It might be drawing, baking/cooking, building things, going for walks, sports, photography, swimming … whatever!
If you’re looking for inspiration for some simple play, well, there are lots of ideas floating out there. Here are just a few off the top of my head. (And these ideas may not be not appropriate for every age, but you’ll get the idea):
- Take a bath together
- Fill up the sink and play with tub toys or a combination of household items: i.e. corks, plastic containers, ice cubes.
- Do some baking (anyone can help measure!) or make “potions” out of things you find in the cupboard. Equal parts water and cornstarch is a fun one.
- Make your own playdoh
- Play with blocks and stacking toys (for older kids: Lego/construction toys)
- Listen to music, dance and sing
You know the old joke about kids and birthday gifts … that they’d rather play with the boxes and ribbons and not the gift inside? It’s true. Honest to god, young kids truly don’t care about the dollar amount that is spent on their play. They have just as much fun (if not more) when the play is spontaneous and perfectly free. They only want to spend time with the people they love.
Some other easy ideas to do with your kid:
- Sort through your recycle bin for clean food packaging. Put a price tag on each one (10 cents, 25 cents, one dollar) and set up your own grocery store. Take turns being the customer and sales clerk.
- Write a story. Each person takes turns contributing one line. You be the scribe. Print it out and have the child illustrate it.
- Go on a nature walk and see how many different leaves you can find. If you’re inclined, find out what kind of trees they came from and press them into a book.
- Make a mud pie and decorate it
- Build a snowman or a snow fort
- Make your own sidewalk paint and go crazy on your driveway. Draw a track for the trike. Design a new kind of hopscotch grid. Decorate the sidewalk with numbers and letters.
Raising our children begins when they are very very small. It starts on day one (okay, maybe two)!
Is it just me, or do many people assume their infants need every jingly doodad under the sun to keep them occupied every single waking moment of the day? So many strollers/playpens/playmats nowadays are bedecked with a hundred distracting things for the baby to look at.
It’s not really for the baby, is it? I mean yes, it’s certainly being sold to us that way. We’re bombarded with messages that tell us our babies need brain stimulation, and along those same lines, we’re made to feel guilty if we DON’T buy into the hype. But as the Hyper Parents doc explained, kids will seek out (and get!) the stimulation they need from their own surroundings. They don’t need us to provide it for them. The whoosits and baby-sized jingle jangles are really sold as a convenience for the parents. They’re designed to occupy our babies for five minutes so we get a coffee or have an snippet of adult conversation with a neighbour. I’m not saying five minutes of sanity is a bad thing. I happily dumped Sarah in an Excersaucer and spread Cheerios over the tray while I made dinner. Sanity is GOOD. But how much is too much? Where does it start to be more in favour of the parent, and less about the baby’s needs? Is Baby Einstein too much? Portable DVD players in cars and restaurants? Electronic sound-and-light gadgets attached to the sides of cribs? Where’s the line? Where does it end?
I liken this to unnecessary soother use… plugging up a kid when s/he doesn’t really need it.
We must ask ourselves: how can we, as parents, promote creative, independent little people? And where does it begin?
Being a good parent doesn’t just happen. I know it’s very easy to get mired in day-to-day survival. (There were many days when simple shower was a major victory for me.) Parenting involves making some conscious choices about a whole bunch of stuff.
Some other things that worked for us here at Casa Fishbowl:
- Making an effort and see how other people do it. Find out what works for them and be open to new ways of doing things.
- Buying toys which encourage imagination and dramatic play. Avoid ones that do it all for the kid i.e. teddy bears that do all the talking.
- Rotating toys instead of having them all out at the same time. It’s less messy that way too!
- Arts and crafts – give kids an idea, buy the supplies, participate.
- Supplementing colouring books with lots of blank paper that’s easily within reach
- To mix things up, colouring with a purpose i.e. “Today we’re going to make an art gallery: draw one portrait, one landscape, one abstract. Go!” Or visit the art gallery and “copy” a piece you liked.
- I can say this now because my kids are older, but don’t worry about encouraging “smarts” in an active (and dare I say, annoying) way unless you’ve been told by a professional (like a doctor, educator, or speech therapist) that help is needed. Kids are sponges. Read a book together, but don’t bother with flash cards. Stop and take time to look at things around you and explain them in simple terms kids can understand.
- Counting finger and toes and Cheerios. Learning simple rhymes and songs.
- Listening.
- Not letting fear be the reason. Afraid of kids walking to school alone? Arrange a walking school bus with neighbours. Or drop them a few blocks away from school and let them walk the rest of the way alone.
- Encouraging play situations with minimal toys. What’ll happen when you go to the beach without sand toys? Or go camping with just a few small ones? Or are trapped in the car waiting for the traffic to start moving again? You know what’ll happen? Your kids will figure it out.
- Limiting screen time. Our kids don’t watch any TV during the week. We PVR a few shows for Saturday mornings.
- Eating at the table. Mornings we don’t really eat together because each girl gets up at a different time and I’m making lunches and the table is like a bus station with overlapping arrivals and departures. But dinners are always together, no TV, at the table, seven nights a week.
- I just glanced over at Mark’s computer. There’s a Globe and Mail article about DVD players with the following subhead: “No more endless games of I Spy!” Don’t buy into it. You don’t need it. I Spy is GOOD.
- And most importantly: we go outside!
Anyway, yes. A long post (see, I knew it would be!). I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic. How do YOU play with your kids?