Yesterday was my day off. Remember Andrea’s Tuesdays? But once again, instead of getting out and actually Doing Something I just stayed home and moped around for most of the day. I hate wasting a day. I hate this. I hate the feeling of lost mojo so much.
My solution to this is to force myself to do SOMETHING. Part of that something is to focus on routines I know will make me feel better. When I feel adrift, I need to tie myself to something. Call it preventive medicine. I had charged up my Litebook so I blasted myself with 30 minutes of light, did a short stint on the treadmill at a brisk pace, took a shower, took my vitamins, ate a good breakfast, and got dressed. I also spent a couple of hours on my Shopping Embargo ebook. I have had mixed feelings here. I’ve alternated between feelings of shiny confidence (“I CAN TOTALLY DO THIS.”) and debilitating feelings of utter failure and giveupatude (“I TOTALLY SUCK.”). Perhaps this is a post for another day. Sigh.
After staring at my own words for so long that my eyes started to water, I picked myself and walked to the library to return some books; a 5K round trip. I took deep breaths, tried to enjoyed the scenery, and spent some time alone with my own thoughts. The internal dialogue with myself went something like this:
What is wrong with you today, Andrea? Why do you feel so cruddy?
I don’t know.
Well, what would make you feel better?
I don’t know. A bag of chips?
Well, that’s not going to happen. Seriously, what would make you feel better?
I have no idea.
Well, if you don’t know. You’re just going to have to ride this wave out.
And that’s when I remembered that I don’t have to feel sad and guilty about this lost day. I know it will pass. I can just accept the dip in my hormone levels or whatever it is, and RIDE IT OUT without all the boo-hooing. So I pictured myself on an inflatable raft on a lake, with the sun beating down on me, my fingers dangling in the water, floating along with the tide instead of fighting against it and exhausting myself in the process.
I marched on. On the way home I spotted a flu shot sign in the window of our neighbourhood Shoppers Drug Mart and so I popped in and let the pharmacist poke me in the arm. At least I can say I did this, right? I got a lollypop too. At least there was that.
