Envy and jealousy are often used interchangeably, but they actually mean different things. Emma and I were talking about it the other day. I had to look up the exact definition.
This is from Wikipedia:
“… jealousy is the fear of losing something that one possesses to another person (a loved one in the prototypical form), while envy is the pain or frustration caused by another person having something that one does not have oneself.”
I’m not an envious person by nature, but in a way I used to be. In high school I envied the relaxed manner of some of the other girls. I often felt like a tightly wound clock on the inside; worried and anxious and concerned. How did these girls manage to glide through their seemingly problem-free lives?
I still wonder if the inadequacy I felt on the inside was mirrored on the outside.
It wasn’t until much later that I realized that no one’s life is free of worry. Everyone struggles to a certain extent, it’s just that some people are much better at hiding it than others. Even the girls who were so easy and breezy. The girls who could turn a perfect cartwheel and had well-behaved hair had issues too. I just didn’t know what they were at the time.
Happily for me, somewhere along the line I became a more confident person, the type who is content with her choices and happy to be in her own skin.
I could be envious of a lot of things, but I’m not. We live in a small house in a wealthy neighborhood. We drive a small car (a very plain and unglamourous 1999 Mazda Protege). I don’t have fancy brand clothing or shoes and my kids don’t play piano and they aren’t gifted and they aren’t heading for the Olympics. And you know what? I’m ok with all of that… more than ok.
As much as I hate online quizzes I skimmed a few for different scenarios involving envy to put this all in perspective:
Your co-worker gets a promotion. Are you the kind of person who:
- 1. Plans a celebration.
- 2. Complains that you didn’t get it, or thinks that they don’t deserve it and that you are more deserving.
- 3. Finds an reason or excuse for her success i.e. the boss was filling a quota
Your friend shows off his latest electronic gadget. Do you:
- 1. Go out and buy one just like it.
- 2. Get something better.
- 3. Think nothing of it and just play with it when you visit.
Your collegue has lost ten pounds and looks amazing in a new outfit. Do you:
- 1. Congratulate her. It’s hard to lose weight!
- 2. Make a negative or sarcastic remark about her appearance (either inwardly to yourself or pointedly to your friend).
- 3. Say nothing.
This got me wondering. Is the root of envious behaviour tied up in self-esteem? If you are content with who you are and with what you’ve already got, it’s not as likely that you’ll start to envy your neighbour’s car or exotic holidays, or your friend’s recent successes or promotion at work.
Envy can be the root of great debt … both emotional (and for some) financial too. If one is envious, does it mean something is missing in their lives? If so, what?
Is envy a virtue or a vice? Does it hold people back by causing an emotional drain that makes people negative and unhappy, or does it drive people to succeed?
Perhaps there’s a fine line in there somewhere. Motivation and self-improvement is healthy, envy is not.
So how can people curb feelings of envy? This might be easier said than done, but perhaps the time and energy spent envying others is best channeled elsewhere; whether it’s by going to the gym, taking a course, or landscaping one’s life in whatever way. Maybe if people worked harder to create unique things they’re proud of, envy will naturally fall by the wayside.
I really don’t want my kids to be envious. It’s emotionally draining, and an utter waste of energy. Envy isn’t pretty.
So how do we teach our children not to envy others or covet what others might have?
Does it start with helping our children cultivate healthy self-esteem? Helping our children find something they are good at and teaching them how to be self-reliant and confident little people?
I’d love to hear your thoughts.
