My head is practically hurting from all the things I want to write about. So I will start with this one even though I know it’s going to come out in a big jumble.
A few things inspired me to jot my thoughts down on the topic of tweens today, one of which was a blog post called Ten Things I Want to Tell Teenage girls. The other is a YouTube video that just plain breaks my heart. You can watch the video and read a great article about it here. Lastly, I was invited to a media preview of the new Marshall’s store at Trainyards. They have a tween section that I’m pretty sure my girls will love.
Shopping can be at the centre of so many issues for women, especially tweens: body issues, beauty issues, confidence issues, social issues etc etc. It is a minefield. It’s tough to be a girl – there’s no doubt about it – and raising girls, that’s a whole other kettle of fish.
Our daughters both have a birthday coming up, and they are getting to be biggies: 11 and 13. How can I possibly be the mother of children who are this old?
I have had a lot of time to adjust to tweenland and I think I’m keeping my head above water. We were at Carlingwood the other day and we spent a solid 45 minutes in Claire’s or Ardene or one of those stores, searching the racks of earrings and headbands. I bought one for myself that features a cascade of orange feathers (which I may or may not be brave enough to wear in public), and you know what, it was fun.
Afterwards we poked our heads into Garage. The oldest girl likes that store, but my youngest is disturbed by the larger-than life photography. I’ll have to ask her about it, but I think the photos make her feel small and insecure.
Last year the eldest girl wanted an off-the-shoulder top. I relented, but with the stipulation that she had to wear something underneath, but it was – mentally – a bit of a slog to go through and I had to let go of a few things before I decided I would let her wear it.
Sidebar: she also wants to wear makeup but I don’t want her covering up her beautiful face just yet. I want to see this sparkling lovely face a tiny bit longer:
Tweens want to wear makeup to look older, whereas I wear makeup to make me look younger and less tired. Ironic, isn’t it?
A few years ago we were scoping out Joe Fresh for clothing she could bring to summer camp. We found a good pair of shorts – lightweight, dark tan colour – perfect for camping and summertime fun. I’d already chosen a size and was holding them in my hands as I looked at the t-shirts.
A fellow mom and her similarly-aged daughter came strolling up behind us. Her daughter saw our shorts on the rack: “Look mom!” she said, pointing. “How about these?”
The mother looked at them and sniffed. “They’re way too short,” she proclaimed. And THAT was when she noticed I was holding the exact same shorts in my hand. I stared at her, dumbly. She stared right back, realizing that she pretty much insulted my clothing taste and parenting skills in one fell swoop.
I bought the shorts, I mean, fer chrissakes it’s not like there were CHEEKS spilling out of them or anything. They were just plain, nice, shorts, much like these ones from the GAP.
Dressing tween girls is so difficult. On one hand you want them to be able to express themselves, but on the other hand you don’t want them to be dressed too provocatively. There is power in sex appeal, and judgement, and 13 is too young for all off this. I won’t be the kind of mom who buys my tween a thong, but I also don’t want to be prudish. As much as I want them to accept themselves for who they are, beauty on the inside etc etc., there is only one time in their lives that they’ll be realistically able to wear sh0rt shorts. And that time starts very shortly. (Ha. No pun intended.) Be honest, wouldn’t you wear sh0rter shorts if you had legs like these? I would.
My girls are gorgeous, and I want them to love themselves and be comfortable in their own bodies. This is also why I think it’s ok for them to wear modest 2-piece bathing suits whereas I know many moms wouldn’t let them. I tell them they’re beautiful and smart and kind when they do beautiful smart and kind things because I love them and want the very best for them, and I don’t want to ever see them on YouTube seeking validation by asking millions of strangers if they are pretty.
But back to the clothing issue. I control the purse strings, so that helps immensely. I have final veto and won’t buy anything I don’t like. We shop together – and they both love clothes – so this makes it a lot easier for me.
Added complications to the tween dressing dilemma is that we tell the girls not to judge people by their appearance but the reality is that people DO judge other people by their appearance. Gah. It’s best to look neat and smart and above all, be yourself. Our other issue is that our girls are tall, and the added height often results in mistaken age. As a 13/14 year old I was constantly mistaken for high school age. Ack.
Anyway, I think I’ve hit upon some ground rules that seem to be working so far.
1) Girls, you can wear something revealing (i.e. like that off-the-shoulder shirt) on the top, OR on the bottom, but not both at the same time.
2) Your clothes need to be clean.
3) If I buy something you are committing to wearing it.
4) Be yourself at all times!
As for me:
5) I will tolerate your fashion choices as much as possible and keep an open mind. (I’d rather they express themselves with wild fashion than head-to-toe tattooing!)
6) If/when you desire something really expensive, say a pair of designer jeans, I will contribute the cash for a “regular” pair of jeans but you must earn the difference.
I adored the end of the post I linked to above:
“You were created for a purpose, exactly so. You have innate value. You are loved more than you could ever comprehend; it is mind-boggling how much you are adored. There has never been, and there will never be another you. Therefore, you have unique thoughts to offer the world. They are only yours, and we all lose out if you are too fearful to share them.
You are beautiful. You are valuable. You are enough.”
Oh man. I think I need a cup of tea.
